Another episode of Black Girls Bonding. It's your host, Keionti, and I am so, so excited to be in community with you today. And y'all know I like to start every episode with how I'm feeling, and I have to say, I'm gonna get into the topic in a minute, but this topic, I don't know, it just makes me feel so excited, so grounded, so affirmed by myself. So that's kind of the energy I'm bringing into the space today. I'm feeling really good, really optimistic, um, super hopeful, and for no reason, right? Like, I usually attribute my feelings to the weather or something that's happened in my life, but in this instance, I'm just happy for happy's sake. So I'll take it, right? Like, what, what, what better way to be? All right. So let's get into it, y'all. Um, a couple of weeks ago, I attended an event, and on the outside, it was like any other networking event in Atlanta. The space was filled with powerful Black people, mostly women, that were building great things, building their businesses, growing their careers, expanding their horizons in some way, right? The wine was flowing, the conversation was popping, and suddenly, seemingly out of nowhere, I just felt a shift. And again, I just wanna reiterate, like, nothing had changed. This was like, you know, any other networking event that I had gone to. But some feeling came over me, and the best way that I can describe that i- was a feeling of possibility. It was really pap- palpable, and it's... I sat with it, and I remember in that moment just being grateful for having that feeling. And I don't know if you've ever experienced that, when, like, just an overwhelming feeling just comes over you, particularly if it's positive, and you just have the, the sense, right, like in that moment, that you are to be grateful for it, right? So I was, like, incredibly grateful in that moment, just feeling possibility. I was almost floating, right? And so I remember walking away from that, coming home, and y'all know I do my morning pages every morning. So I remember I was like, "I just have to capture this moment." So I literally went and wrote down everything that I could about that event, that day, the feeling that I felt, all of that good stuff, right? 'Cause I just knew I had to capture it. So fast-forward a couple of days later, I went to another event, similar demographics to the last one, but, um, I was... Something felt, like, a little bit different to me. And I was able to, like, kinda take the time back or take that time in that moment and observe what I was feeling, and I realized- Um, there was some, like I was feeling shrinking, right? Like I felt myself shrinking. I felt really small. And I didn't judge it, right? Like, I, I, I didn't wanna judge it in that moment, but it was just an observation that I had. And I didn't understand why I was doing that. For, for some reason, in that moment, I was like really like, I don't know, like diminishing myself, diminishing my accomplishments, like kinda disregarding things I had done. And again, like I said, it was all happening in real time, and it was such a stark difference from what I had experienced earlier in the week to what I was experiencing in the moment. And I realized that, I don't, just something was going on with me, and I was able to take ownership for that, and I, I'm not always able to do that. Usually, when I feel that feeling, I'm like, "Oh, these aren't my people. Oh, that event wasn't that great. Oh, the topics weren't relevant to me." But in this moment, I really had to take some accountability, um, 'cause I realized it was me. I was doing it to myself. And it was also in this moment that I realized this was all my programming, right? And it's all by design. So just follow me for a minute. I'ma get a little bit, a little bit deep, okay? So the system, whatever you think the system is, capitalism, patriarchy, whatever, wants women, in particular Black women, to be small so that they sit down, shut up, and take, take what's given to them, right? Sit down, shut up, get your work done. That's, that's what we're told to do essentially, right? Um, and my entire career, I've worked in corporate and, you know, sort of big nonprofit organizations. And so I've been told in so many words, right, sometimes more blatant than others, to just be humble and to be grateful that I have a seat at the table. And that lesson or that message was really, really strong as I got, you know, higher up in my career and got into more management spaces, right? It's like, "You should be grateful that you're here. You should be grateful that you technically have a voice." Technically and actually are two totally different things. Um, and I hate to say it, but I took the bait, right? 'Cause when you're told a certain thing over and over again, you internalize it, right? Like, unless you're aware of it and have like, tools and resources at, at the ready so that you can deflect, if you don't know what's happening to you, you will do exactly that. You will internalize it. And so I did. I took the bait. Um, and I was compliant, and it hurts to say that, but it, it's just the truth. And again, I'm not being too hard on myself because again, I know it was all by design, but I'm just saying what I'm saying. And so what did that look like? That looked like being talked over in meetings. It meant other colleagues were taking work for my... taking credit for my work. Or my absolute favorite is me saying something in a meeting, and then two-- and being ignored, right? Like, not acknowledged that I said the thing, and then two minutes later, somebody else, usually a white man, says the exact same thing and he's applauded for it, right? This happens over and over again, so you can imagine at some point in time, you start-- First of all, you start to think you're crazy. Particularly in those meetings when you say something and somebody else says it and they get all the applause for it. It's like, "I-- Didn't I just..." Like, you question if you said it. Like, you're almost gaslighting yourself. Like, "Did that, did that hap- maybe that didn't happen because no one responded when I said it. But when he said it, it was the most brilliant thing." It's really, it's a mind fuck. I don't know of h- how else to say it. And if that happens over and over again, you start to believe that what you have to say is not that important, right? And so now that I'm an entrepreneur and those characteristics that I have developed are not serving me at all, I knew something had to change, right? But I also felt incredibly lost, and I couldn't name what it was, but I just felt myself constantly retreating, constantly sort of diminishing myself. And something really hap- happened to me, I, I don't, I don't even know what this was. When I would see, like, younger women talk so confidently about their accomplishments, their experience, what they were building, and I didn't like it. I didn't like it. I'm listening to these young girls talking, I'm like, "What, what are you even saying? You don't even know what you're talking about." Like, the hater in me was real loud and strong, right? Again, I can see this all now. In the moment, I didn't see. I thought I was right, 'cause what do these young girls have to say, right? But in reflecting, again, I see it was me reacting to the program, all right? So, you know, I'm talking shit about them in my head, and what I'm really doing... Again, I'm being real raw and real transparent with y'all today, but what I'm really doing is I'm doing a little comparison. I'm doing a little leveling here to figure out where I, you know, kinda stand up next to them. Um, and when I really got honest with myself, I realized what I was doing. It was all envy. I was envious. And so one thing I know about envy is that it doesn't have to be bad. I think it has a bad rap, right? Like, if somebody says you're envious, y- you're looked at as, like, ew, why are you envious? Why are you jealous? You shouldn't be feeling those things. You should be happy for other people. Yes, all of those things are true, and I think envy is an indicator of something bigger. Usually, when I envy somebody for something, it's because I want, not their life, but something that they're doing, I crave myself. So what I've started doing that, which when I, when I realized that, what I started doing was figuring out, okay, what is, what is the thing that I want, then, right? Like, I would see so many people doing these big, magnificent things, you know, from the outside looking in, and I would feel envy come up. And then I started looking, like, "Oh, you, you just wanna go on a vacation. Okay, well, we'll plan a vacation," right? But once you have that information, you can move forward. You don't have to sit in envy. So that's just a little tip for, for y'all out there who are curious. Um, so that's what I started doing. I started digging deeper to figure out, what was it about these young women that were making, that was making me so envious? And I realized it was that level of confidence. I wanted that level of confidence. I wanted to be able to talk my shit, live in my power, all that stuff, right? So what's stopping me? That's right. It's me. It's me. Because the fact is, I have the receipts, I have the accomplishments, I have the thing, right? Like, I am building something great, too. The only thing that's holding me back is that I'm not talking about it, and the reason I'm not talking about it is because I think somebody wants to judge me, and nobody's thinking about me. I can talk my shit, and so that's what I'm starting to do, right? And it was really important, I think, that I felt both of those experiences that week, right? Where I had the week start with possibility and end with me shrinking, because it gave me an opportunity to compare the two and figure out what was off. What was the gap? What was throwing me off, right? And then I realized I, I am the one. I was the one that was throwing me off, and there was an opportunity for me to dig a little deeper and figure out what I could do. So what am I doing now? I'm spending my time reminding myself of who I am. I'm pulling up receipts, and I don't care how weird it makes me feel. Because I'll be honest, it does make me feel weird, right? When you go through your entire life and think about your experiences and your accomplishments, it does feel a little bit like, oh my God, like am I conceited? Am I being stuck up? But you're not. You're reminding yourself of who you are. Um, and then I remind myself that I've done some really hard things with my back against the wall, and you know, I just kinda talk myself up. And you'll recall from an episode I did a little while back, I have an incredible tribe, and one of those tribes, one of those tribe members is a hype woman. And so I use that hype woman incredibly strategically for two reasons. Number one, it is not her job to build me up every time I fall down. Like, that's not fair to her. She got shit going on, right? She has a whole life. So uh, strategic is ex- incredibly important for that reason, 'cause I wanna spare her time, obviously, but it's also more important to me because at the end of the day, right, like while the hype woman is amazing and it's so incredible that I have her in my life, it's also my job to hype me up 'cause I'm the constant, right? I have to be able to remind myself of who I am, what I'm capable of, and what I'm gonna do. Everything else is complementary. May not wanna hear that. Doesn't sound that great, but it's the truth. Like, at the end of the day, it c- it boils down to us, right? So, um- You-- I recently started doing this thing that my sister encouraged me to do last year, which is counting my wins real time, right? So my goal now is at the top of every month, I look back on the last month, and I, I look at my wins, right? I just literally write them down. I have like a little tracker and everything 'cause y'all know me, I gotta track my shit. Um, and this is important because sometimes our brain will try to lie to us, especially when we're in really hard seasons, and tell us that we're not doing enough, we're not making any progress, you know, no one cares, this thing's never gonna happen. That's what your brain will tell you, and so it's our job to combat that. And the way that we combat that is honestly by writing it down and reflecting on what it is that we've done, that we've done. Um, and these wins can be something as small and mundane as, you know, you woke up one morning and you didn't feel like getting up, but you took a shower, right? And we know that some weeks, that is-- that's a win. And the wins can be as big as, "Oh my God, I had a client meeting, it went well, and they signed the contract." It could be anything and everything in between. But I do think it's important that we get really honest with ourselves, and that we start to kind of pat ourselves on the back, because that, over time, is what's gonna build the confidence. It's just, confidence is just reminding ourselves that we can do the thing. And you build confidence by the action Right? Like, we think that we can build confidence by affirming ourselves, telling ourselves how fabulous we are. All those things are super important. I believe in that. But the real confidence comes from the doing. The doing. We gotta get out there, and we have to do the thing. And then write it down so we remember, okay? Um, so as I was saying, I got my swagger back, y'all, and I don't intend to do it again. I- woo, sorry. Start again. I got my swagger back, y'all, and I don't intend to lose it again. And the way that I'm not gonna lose it, like I said, is just write down the things, continue to do the things, continue to, you know, rise above and do the hard things that I know that I'm capable of doing, and not necessarily being so attached to the outcome right away. Because we, we know with most things it's a long game, right? You didn't build... You know, for those that have maybe run a marathon, you didn't wake up one day and say, "I'm gonna run a marathon." You trained for months, and some runs were really good, and some runs were very shitty. But at the end of the day, you completed the marathon, right? And it's the same thing in life. Some days we're gonna feel... We're gonna wake up, and we're gonna feel so vibrant and ready to kick ass on that day. And some days, getting out of bed will be the win. But it doesn't matter. As long as we keep going, we're gonna get the outcome that we desire. I believe that 100%, and I also feel like I sound like a pastor a little bit right now, but that's okay. All right. So here's the challenge for the week, right? What have been your wins? I want you to name three things that, over the last month, that you have, you're very proud of yourself for. Three. And if it, it... I don't care if it takes you 10 minutes or 10 seconds. Sit down and do it, and keep a running list of those things so you can remind yourself of who you are. All right? Okay, so if you like this, please subscribe, whether you're watching me on YouTube or listening to me on your favorite podcast platform. I really, really just want y'all to t- uh, kinda tap in and let me know. Let me know how you're progressing on your goals. You can hit me, um, with a DM on Instagram @blackgirlsbonding. You can send me an email at blackgirlsbonding@gmail.com, or again, if you're watching on YouTube, you can just comment below. All right, y'all, you know I like to end with a little pop culture, but it has to be quick today 'cause I haven't been as tapped in as I want to. Um, what I will say is that I'm very excited for Big Brother. Do y'all watch Big Brother? Please tell me you watch Big Brother. Okay. The new epis- the new season just started, and I don't have any assessments yet because again, it's still so early. And I'm sorry, but nothing's ever gonna compare to the cookout, so we know we got that. But I'm super excited. Um, and I will be coming back with updates. So I think this summer is gonna be, in the pop culture section, is gonna be a mix of Love Island and Big Brother. Kind of two ends of the spectrum, but not really 'cause they're both reality. Anyway, let me know what y'all are thinking so far. Um, thank you, thank you again for tuning in, and I am excited to see y'all soon. Bye.
